Toddlerhood is Here

 Twas the night before her birthday and all through the house

 the baby was walking, entertaining herself

No longer on knees and hands did she go

but walking to and from, row after row

she did circles and even stooped and picked up stuff

until she wore herself out and said "e-nuff"

Then she cuddled with Mommy

last time as an infant

a toddler she'd be at the very next minute

Oh how I adore her

each baby blue eye

each little finger waving goodbye

Our life had been crazy, even before she was born

with studies and classes, now baby adorned

But I finally squeezed her out, after I squeezed her in

my busy schedule you see was only about to begin

Baby you see was the last one in line

at the very end,  #s 7,8,9

22 years, I've been a mommy now

and 1 more? how could I possibly? How?

but she came, just the same

patiently waiting while I got my degree

patiently waiting on her mommy, me.

What faith she must have had in my determination

something so unknown, still in germination

I questioned, I wondered

spoke aloud to empty-looking rooms

was there still another spirit waiting for my womb?

And yes the answer came, though I scarcely allowed myself to believe it

I had to open my heart and my life to make room to receive it

And we celebrate a year

A joyous year of full arms and hearts and homes

every smile, cry and each little baby chromosome

What do we do now?

 I knew how to handle the lockdown, but now I am wondering how to handle the air quality alerts. Northern Minnesota is not the place to live if you don't like fresh air, trees, and sunshine. I survived the lockdown by being outside, but now being outside hurts. It's not just solved by wrapping my face in a scarf and not breathing the 40 below air directly into my lungs. The smoke/extreme heat is different. 

Yes, I have learned to wear a facemask while outside, and I have found several soothing things to do for my poor little throat,  but my eyes still sting, even in a building. And I am so tired of the confuffphany of fans and filters, instead of open windows with happily chirping birds or the soothing sounds of frogs at night.

This feels like a vicious circle, caused by climate change and causing more climate change. The windows are closed, even though it's cooler outside than the last 10 days, the A/C is on, the fans are on, the dryer is running because I cannot wash clothes just to dry them in smoke....

And I can't cook, as adding heat to a house that is barely cool enough to live in is a no-no. 

What Moms think and what they say:

 Think: We should send a thank you letter to Nate for the tour of the college program. Hmm, I wonder how Ian is doing making his decision on what he will do next. The college program looks good. Will take about 2 years, then a mission will take about two years. Or he could do a mission first, then the college program, either way, it's four years, but if he does his mission first he can seriously look for girls while in the college program. I really hope he will look for a good girl. A wife is a lifelong asset that increases with value every passing year. A companion to help you through everything in life.... (Glance over at Ian, notice he is playing a game and not doing his schoolwork)

Say: Ian, do your school work.

Pandemic Momma

 Mothering in the Pandemic has gotten a fair amount of press this week, as a few voices, too exhausted to sleep have raised above the noise of the former presidential mess. 

Senator Romney and a few others have finally thought to think about families- financially exhausted, emotionally wiped and at the end of every rope they've got. Yet somehow every day we still hold most of the things together in between reminding ourselves not to hold or breath or break down in tears.

Logically, it shouldn't have been this hard. 

Just over a year ago, I had earned my black belt (karate classes with the kids an hour south of us, while getting my master's in English and teaching college an hour to the north of us... I managed that for 2.5 years, running like mad in every direction while still providing hot meals for the family most nights (crock pots are my friend).  I managed that with 8 kids.

But this pandemic is something else completely. I have 3 kids in college, most of the college teachers are new to trying to communicate on-line to their students. I end up as translator. Today that included finding information on how to do a topic proposal for a paper that we couldn't find in the class materials. For another kid that means helping translate a math teacher's attempt at pre-calc. For my autistic son, it is about helping him handle any speaking or public appearances in his on-line schooling. The next kids' struggle with reading and the tutoring arrangements went on-line. That depends on how crappy our internet service is today.  It is hard to work with teachers when you only get every other word.

For some of the on-line live class sessions, I spend the evenings running different kids over to my parent's house where the net quality is better.  And all this schooling is crammed into our living room. We have 7 computers and 3 kindles running in this living room most days. 

But it is lack of break that gets us. We can run like mad, and run and run, but we need to know there is a  break ahead. We need downtime with no one talking to us, no one cuddling with us. No one needing us. 

But it's 24/7 on call. Me time has disappeared between the kids needs and no escape. There is always one more piece of homework or kid who wants a story. There have been no playdates and that comes down heavy on Moms as kids turn to us for their friendship needs. (But how can we play, we got laundry to do?)

This summer when schools were shut down, then we could play... we worked the garden and played, and every morning I was left alone to do my 1/2 hour of quiet watering. But with school on there is no stop to assignments that are due. 

And I am tired. I love working with my kids, I love helping with math, writing and all that. But something is making this year particularly challenging ... maybe its just been too long. I would like a hair cut- a new style to complement the gray that has taken over those previously dark tresses. But it is not worth as much as helping my kids before they finally fly the coop. I would also like to exercise, and shower. I finally got a sorely needed shower planned for the morning, but managed to squeeze it in just past midnight. Everyday In the midst of the living room noise I make time to study from Come Follow Me- 10-15 minutes perhaps. And I carry my hairbrush around with me until I get my hair, unbraided, brushed and rebraided. And that is all I can routinely muster right now.

And I Am not balancing a job. I gave that up in hurry in March. Most mothers are balancing a job with these demands. But who's balancing the mommas?

I find the most challenging thing is the lack of thought cycles. I do not have uninterrupted time to think even a coherent sentence without a "Mom, look at this!" And all you moms know that we don't even have enough alone time when on the potty.