Toddlerhood is Here

 Twas the night before her birthday and all through the house

 the baby was walking, entertaining herself

No longer on knees and hands did she go

but walking to and from, row after row

she did circles and even stooped and picked up stuff

until she wore herself out and said "e-nuff"

Then she cuddled with Mommy

last time as an infant

a toddler she'd be at the very next minute

Oh how I adore her

each baby blue eye

each little finger waving goodbye

Our life had been crazy, even before she was born

with studies and classes, now baby adorned

But I finally squeezed her out, after I squeezed her in

my busy schedule you see was only about to begin

Baby you see was the last one in line

at the very end,  #s 7,8,9

22 years, I've been a mommy now

and 1 more? how could I possibly? How?

but she came, just the same

patiently waiting while I got my degree

patiently waiting on her mommy, me.

What faith she must have had in my determination

something so unknown, still in germination

I questioned, I wondered

spoke aloud to empty-looking rooms

was there still another spirit waiting for my womb?

And yes the answer came, though I scarcely allowed myself to believe it

I had to open my heart and my life to make room to receive it

And we celebrate a year

A joyous year of full arms and hearts and homes

every smile, cry and each little baby chromosome

What do we do now?

 I knew how to handle the lockdown, but now I am wondering how to handle the air quality alerts. Northern Minnesota is not the place to live if you don't like fresh air, trees, and sunshine. I survived the lockdown by being outside, but now being outside hurts. It's not just solved by wrapping my face in a scarf and not breathing the 40 below air directly into my lungs. The smoke/extreme heat is different. 

Yes, I have learned to wear a facemask while outside, and I have found several soothing things to do for my poor little throat,  but my eyes still sting, even in a building. And I am so tired of the confuffphany of fans and filters, instead of open windows with happily chirping birds or the soothing sounds of frogs at night.

This feels like a vicious circle, caused by climate change and causing more climate change. The windows are closed, even though it's cooler outside than the last 10 days, the A/C is on, the fans are on, the dryer is running because I cannot wash clothes just to dry them in smoke....

And I can't cook, as adding heat to a house that is barely cool enough to live in is a no-no. 

What Moms think and what they say:

 Think: We should send a thank you letter to Nate for the tour of the college program. Hmm, I wonder how Ian is doing making his decision on what he will do next. The college program looks good. Will take about 2 years, then a mission will take about two years. Or he could do a mission first, then the college program, either way, it's four years, but if he does his mission first he can seriously look for girls while in the college program. I really hope he will look for a good girl. A wife is a lifelong asset that increases with value every passing year. A companion to help you through everything in life.... (Glance over at Ian, notice he is playing a game and not doing his schoolwork)

Say: Ian, do your school work.

Pandemic Momma

 Mothering in the Pandemic has gotten a fair amount of press this week, as a few voices, too exhausted to sleep have raised above the noise of the former presidential mess. 

Senator Romney and a few others have finally thought to think about families- financially exhausted, emotionally wiped and at the end of every rope they've got. Yet somehow every day we still hold most of the things together in between reminding ourselves not to hold or breath or break down in tears.

Logically, it shouldn't have been this hard. 

Just over a year ago, I had earned my black belt (karate classes with the kids an hour south of us, while getting my master's in English and teaching college an hour to the north of us... I managed that for 2.5 years, running like mad in every direction while still providing hot meals for the family most nights (crock pots are my friend).  I managed that with 8 kids.

But this pandemic is something else completely. I have 3 kids in college, most of the college teachers are new to trying to communicate on-line to their students. I end up as translator. Today that included finding information on how to do a topic proposal for a paper that we couldn't find in the class materials. For another kid that means helping translate a math teacher's attempt at pre-calc. For my autistic son, it is about helping him handle any speaking or public appearances in his on-line schooling. The next kids' struggle with reading and the tutoring arrangements went on-line. That depends on how crappy our internet service is today.  It is hard to work with teachers when you only get every other word.

For some of the on-line live class sessions, I spend the evenings running different kids over to my parent's house where the net quality is better.  And all this schooling is crammed into our living room. We have 7 computers and 3 kindles running in this living room most days. 

But it is lack of break that gets us. We can run like mad, and run and run, but we need to know there is a  break ahead. We need downtime with no one talking to us, no one cuddling with us. No one needing us. 

But it's 24/7 on call. Me time has disappeared between the kids needs and no escape. There is always one more piece of homework or kid who wants a story. There have been no playdates and that comes down heavy on Moms as kids turn to us for their friendship needs. (But how can we play, we got laundry to do?)

This summer when schools were shut down, then we could play... we worked the garden and played, and every morning I was left alone to do my 1/2 hour of quiet watering. But with school on there is no stop to assignments that are due. 

And I am tired. I love working with my kids, I love helping with math, writing and all that. But something is making this year particularly challenging ... maybe its just been too long. I would like a hair cut- a new style to complement the gray that has taken over those previously dark tresses. But it is not worth as much as helping my kids before they finally fly the coop. I would also like to exercise, and shower. I finally got a sorely needed shower planned for the morning, but managed to squeeze it in just past midnight. Everyday In the midst of the living room noise I make time to study from Come Follow Me- 10-15 minutes perhaps. And I carry my hairbrush around with me until I get my hair, unbraided, brushed and rebraided. And that is all I can routinely muster right now.

And I Am not balancing a job. I gave that up in hurry in March. Most mothers are balancing a job with these demands. But who's balancing the mommas?

I find the most challenging thing is the lack of thought cycles. I do not have uninterrupted time to think even a coherent sentence without a "Mom, look at this!" And all you moms know that we don't even have enough alone time when on the potty.

Thank You

 When I said thank you that day, I meant it. Thank you for pulling me over, thank you for giving me a ticket, thank you for giving me a smaller speeding ticket than I really deserved.

It was a beautiful January day, the sky was blue. The roads were clear and I was going home from a nice little training. I felt like I was flying in the beautiful sunshine. Then my mom called and I wasn't paying much attention to that small highway. I started to feel like I was or could lose control, but the phone call was distracting me. Then I saw the lights in my mirror, glanced down and saw that I was moving my little beast at 90 mph, and quickly pulled over and hung up.

He asked if I knew why he pulled me over. I told him because I thought he saw me on the phone (and that was just made illegal to talk on a handheld phone in the car). Luckily, he didn't seem to register that and said it was because I was speeding. Naturally, I lied when he asked if I knew how fast I was going. I began to realize the potential danger he saved me from, but kept a straight face and sincerely thanked him. I have rolled a car before and all it would have taken was a small patch of ice, kept from thawing because of tree shadowing on this small winding highway. He then said he'd downgrade the ticket I should receive so it wouldn't stay on my record. I thanked him for that too. I realized the $100 was a very cheap price to pay compared to the other possible consequences. 

Some people get mad when they get pulled over or given a ticket, frankly, I was glad. So I will say it again. thank you, Officer, Just for doing your job.

misreading 2020

 I saw a Christmas decoration of Santa peeing on a year sign of 2020. But I believe the sentiment is wrong. Not wrong like people don't get it, but wrong in assuming 2020 deserves to be peed on.

I think 2020  has given us a new perspective, of course in order to do that it had to seriously play with our old perspective, and perhaps that is what people don't like.

This year has several major challenges for those of us in the USA, and at least one or two for those of us world-wide.

We have the pandemic which I see as a challenge that has changed many ways things were done, has brought a new amount of tech in our lives. The pandemic has changed my life from one of running everywhere and eating 2-3 meals per day in my car to one where I am home, need to be home, to manage my kids on-line schooling stuff. (tech-love it, hate it). This summer I did massive amounts of gardening and loved being outside and watching plants grow. Using the produce also is fulfilling. Canning, drying, baking, freezing, it all makes eating a wrapped bar in the car seem kinda wrong.

Masks don't bother me. Sewing masks helped me feel useful to my fellow men. Wearing them makes me feel like I am respecting the life and rights of others, and research suggests it does.

Most of the social distancing doesn't bother me. In many ways, it helps me appreciate the interactions I do get with others, whether at the grocery store or stealing that hug from my mother. I do not mind wearing leggings all the time and not worrying about the PJs my preschooler refuses to take off. (I do worry about teaching him to wear clothes again, or finding out none of my pants fit anymore).

And I didn't really lose my job, it's there in some incarnation when I am ready for it (hehehe, maternity leave + on-line schooled kids) of course this made finances tighter, but there I am lucky and was just able to request the help I needed. I know many other people will struggle with this, but it is an opportunity to gain education or to hopefully find something better.

And that is one of the challenges of the pandemic is economic. Those who have money find that many local stores can not get things in that are selling because the factories have been shut down, or can't get raw materials in. I think it is opening many eyes to the challenges of long supply chains.

And of course, then there are racial tensions, the whites only notice it when it disrupts their daily lives or ends up on the news, even though it has been an underlying problem for hundreds of years. Being made aware is often not a gentle process. But the less gentle the process the more people may realize something is there.

And climate change marches on, bringing with it extreme weather events of all sorts. Apocalyptic scenes on the daily news. I realized as I was helping Ewan prepare a presentation on the Joplin F5 tornado in 2011, that no one says anymore that any single event can not be linked to climate change. It turns out it cans and has, since the outbreak of 2011 caused an increase in research and study. Basically, what happens as the arctic warms at 3 times the rate of the rest of the world this decreases the gradient of temps between the artic and midlatitude that causes the jetstream its stable course, so the jet stream ends up with big dips and curves and sometimes even ends up going longitudinally instead of latitudinally, that north/south movements locks the weather pattern in place and creates a longer front across the continent, bringing cold arctic air far south to bunch up with the superheated, moist air coming off the extra warmed Atlantic ocean and creating a perfect mix of stuff to produce strong storms of all sorts, and not just strong storms, but weather patterns that last for days instead of hours because the North/south jet stream patterns gets blocked into place. This blocking pattern also causes other weather to get locked into place- like the path of hurricanes this year, or dry - hot weather causing feeding the wildfires in the west.

And on top of all these fun things we have politics this year- oh yeah- a white house that has lied so often about so much that you know they have no clue what or where the truth really is, which makes it next to impossible to have a national response to any of the challenges listed above that we have faced this year. 

But the slowdown, that time to re-analyze instead of run. That time to focus on the really important- those things that truly matter when the rest of the world is upended- just happen to be the things that truly matter in eternity; Our relationships with God and our family (family can stretch to all the people we love). I believe that refocus change make 2020 one of the best years.

I Arise

like a pregnant woman
round and yet hard - an on coming train
the belly has to move first
hips wiggling it to the front of the chair
the stabilizing the feet beneath
before the lift

wobbly, perhaps off balance

but

I arise

like a baby deer
so new from its mother
blinking in the new light
speckled in the morning

before I run

I arise