dino

You can't defeat the dinosaur that is hunting you. But you can train it not to think you're food.
Don't attack the guard dog, that is misguided action

3 ways

This same poem has been written many ways- here are a few

My last touch with you
seeking the comfort of your heat
entangled around and through
plastic tubes and wires
beeping and buzzing

drowning out your breathing
nurses running in and out
asking questions, interrupting
I can not share with you
thoughts circling in my mind

. . .

When I hugged out
I wondered
is this what it will be like

when you die?
my last touch
entwined and around plastic tubes

beeping and buzzing
distract me
from the rhythm of your breath
nurses run in and out
I can not open up

for fear my heart will bleed out
can't discuss, think
thoughts circling in my mind

 . . .
hugged you
between us
your headset

like this
will you die?

last touch
entwined
plastic tubes
beeping and buzzing

can't hear
you breathe
nurses in and out
I can't
   talk
   think

Pregnant with #8

Yesterday I heard this baby's heartbeat for the 1st time. It was good to have proof that the last 16 weeks of morning sickness has not been in vain. Being pregnant with #8 made quite a few people gasp, especially those who know we already have 4 with special needs. My husband and I, of course, have been wondering when should we get fixed and stop having babies. We knew we had to wait for after Arwen (she came #7, not #5, like we thought she would). And Arwen has been the dreamy, happy, cutie pumpkin that inspires us to smile and laugh at all the world holds. She is the child we wouldn't mind repeated. When she was born it didn't feel right to get fixed yet. 2 years later we could feel one was missing- the classic counting up the kids, and they are all there, but somehow one is missing. And sure enough over the full moon in September, we were horny little march hares and just couldn't get enough of each other without caring about birth control, when the time is right to conceive it is really really hard not to.

Yes, I have plans for my future. I am going to school full time in pre-med studies, pulling straight As. I am just your average almost 40, pregnant mother of 7, pursuing her pre-med studies, hoping to become a medical researcher MD at the Mayo clinic and revolutionize something useful and needful. Understanding autism would be fun, applying ground breaking research in neurology and dealing with the related fields of dyslexia and anxiety, but bringing dentistry into the new millennium would also be a worthy goal. Most likely, I will probably end up working on something that I can't even fathom at the moment.

When my first was born, I knew that I had found what I was born to do. I was born to do 2 things. First was to have babies (check, that can be counted as accomplished, mostly, I think), the second was to be a doctor or midwife. Because my first has autism, and required all hands on deck his first 12 years, I couldn't devote the time to continue my schooling until 13 years, and 5 kids, later.
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So with all of this background and thoughts running through my head, I woke up this morning feeling like I want to have babies forever. Which, of course is a big cannon ball in the ships of logic. The advantage is, that I am mortal, and I assume I will follow a mortal course and nature will make it impossible for me to continue child bearing at some point. If I look at my grandmas: one had her last at 44 (thanks to birth control), and the other was pregnant at 50 (in 1956, and the doctors thought it was a tumor, until it starting kicking). If fertility actually declines as you get older (I haven't seen any personal evidence of that yet), then supposedly I should have less children in the next 10 years then in the previous.

So logic or feelings? Well logic has a major flaw. It has to have all the pertinent facts to draw a safe conclusion. Feelings, has a tendency to take into account, things we do not see or understand at the moment. And when in doubt, follow the path of love.

I like the simple things in life. The laughter of children, the work of daily living chores, the snuggling of a sleeping child on my chest, and a good bowl of beans while studying a physics text.

I dream of travel, of serving a mission in other countries and bringing clean water to villages. But I know happiness, no matter what circumstances you are in comes from within, and the life within me has the potential to bring me great joy.

Soul Sucking

It is always fun, in a soul sucking way, to  meet with our financial advisers. Part of the fun is the fact that we have spent (and continue to spend) the vast majority of our time and energies raising our children. Among our 7 beautiful additions to this world are 3 that have special needs. Yes, we deal with autism, ODD, spinal bifida, mood disorders, the terrible twos and the dreaded teenagers on a daily basis.

 They suggest we hire outside help for the children so we can go and get a career. (Even if we don't break even on costs of career income minus a tutor for our children). Le Sigh... Of course that often seems to be kin to a major sin to refuse to perpetuate a broken system that values your contributions out of your home more then the contributions within your home.  Of course, when you make your money out of the stock and bonds system, anything that grow the economy is good for you. So if I get a job, and have to hire my job out and then drive through on the way hone because I am too tired to cook. It all adds to the economy (as it is counted), but subtracts from what matters most to me, my family. It just doesn't seem logical to do so. When I consider this scenario, I hear a life sucking sound, where all my efforts go to building someone else's coffers and not the one things that truly matter.

Everything we do is for our children. I just wish it could make a difference in the longevity of the world. Sometimes, other times I kinda look towards heaven and wish the end of the world to hurry up. But maybe that should be part of my equation. What good is a career and investments in financial markets when the world ends?

With what time we may or may not have left on the planet, should I not also consider that the economy as we know it perpetuates the destruction of the world? Without the desires for increased wealth would we not have made better decisions as a country or world? Would we not have possibly considered that we can't breathe soot or drink liquid coal and put tons of CO2 into the atmosphere with no consequences?

Seriously folks... you are worried about my retirement plan, instead of if there will be a world to retire on?

PS- I don't plan on retiring, I plan on working and building and learning and teaching and creating as much positive in the world as I can all the days of my life. I plan to prepare for the changes ahead and to ride through them with my family.

I plan to live to be 100!

While contemplating my goals in life, and how that relates with weather or not to do some permanent birth control, I was really torn about it, wanting to both enjoy my time as a mother and also perusing and making really good use of a medical degree (nutritional neurology, here I come!)

So tonight, Ian was asking me about retirement. And I answered that I never plan on retiring, that I want to live to be 100 and use every precious day of it to the advantage of my fellow human beings. I realized that gave me 65 more years!

Wow- I have accomplished a lot in my 35 years, what am I going to accomplish in my next 65?

Here are my absolute plans:

1. Raise beautiful and inquisitive children that question everything and reach out and drag the answers out of the universe.
2. Learn, learn, learn, learn
3. Act, Act , Act, Act
4. Teach, Share and help others question everything and act.
5. Spend years serving the Lord, become one of those Mold people (Mormon + old) that have the energy to run around serving in Temples and and substitute teaching and serve everywhere they can. You know it's a Mold when you see a big smile under a crown of white curly hair (only mine might be white braided hair) who always know just the right thing to say to uplift those around them and whispers words of confidence when you need them most.
6.  Then be changed in a twinkling of an eye and continue my work.

Now my tenative plans:

1. Go to med school, study under nutritional and neurological professionals.
2. Work with special needs children (ie... everyone) and their families and uncover their problems, hopefully using a nutritional approach the vast majority of time.
3. Work for many, many years, gathering research and experience.
4. Share this research and experience.
5. "Retire" (at about age 90) into Mold-dom and then spend the last years of my mortality running around just to serve the Lord.

So, now I need to act as these are my goals. ... nutrition, exercise and learning and living :)

Be jealous deep thought!

When I dreamed that the long sought for answer to "life, the universe, and everything" was broccoli, I rolled over and went back to sleep.

When I dreamed the sunken treasure we just painstakingly pulled from the depth of the sea was broccoli, I rolled over and went back to sleep, but couldn't.

Ugh, Baby! You win again.

Hence, at 2 am, I am cooking broccoli.

ultrasounds or weird dreams

well that weird dream where I was told I had 6 legs kicking me was just a weird dream. I only have 2 legs kicking me.

This fact, established by ultrasound today clearly simplifies things. I have 1 very big baby boy kicking me. So when I felt I was wall to wall baby- I was right, but instead of it being 2 little squirts it is 1 big squirt. One big squirt who is almost twice the size of the 2 little squirts would be. It might be another Galen.

This means I only have to worry about 1 crib, and not have to worry about a car big enough for the whole family (yet). As the minivan we have will suffice until we try again for our girl.

And it also means that worrying about birth control is also no longer necessary- which we were really considering if we ended up with multiples. It makes the whole birth plan and concerns over preemie babies disappear.

Everything will be easier with just 1 at a time- although I did get rid of all my boy clothes- assuming Clay was our last. Oh well, at least I get to shop for something :)

dream

I had an interesting dream this morning. I was going to look at a house I was buying- only now it was in bad condition- the floors were all kitty-wompas, and everything was in disrepair. Only then - when I told my dad that I am glad I didn't buy this house yet. He said it was a good thing I had built the narc. My mom didn't seem to see the house- but she liked the people in it and offered to cook us lunch of oscar meyer hotdogs and set us in with mindless entertainment. That it when I noticed that it was kinda like an old folks home and it assumed I was staying. (I call this the American Zombie Institution- for people who like being trapped by advertisers and refuse to see climate change and collapse issues)

Then I fled. I got out of that house and into masses of big spacious buildings- lots of big catholic church type buildings- and throw other people's wedding- I was being chased- so I started to fly. But then my Shannon was left behind. And I couldn't fly holding her- I had to settle for long leap and slow decents. We excaped down some woods and then ended up in a museum type building. It looked interesting, but would just be distracting me from my goal of freedom- so I didn't listen to lectures of look at the exhibits (much). Then from behind me came a voice. "Help me remove this tag. They stuck it on me when they let me in here days ago." It was Galen. I removed his tag and asked him if he knew how to fly. He said he didn't, so I tried to teach him.

I knew that if we could just get to the true church's property we'd be safe.

Then I woke up and wondered if our spirits are used to flying- not having enough matter to hold then down with gravity... and then we get a body and are held down with the weight of it. Is that why we always dream of flying?

Cabin Fever Delusions....

If I sold my business today for $10million we would......

buy a Toyota Hybrid SUV (family size), and the best in camping gear and spend the next year flirting from national park to national park. With of course a little bit of Hawaii and Disney world in the process.

And I recognized as a cabin fever delusion because it has 3 distinctive characteristics:
1-involves spending a year out side in sunny locations
2-involve delusions of grandeur (having a biz worth selling for $10 million) and
3-the unlikely circumstances that it would happen quickly, smoothly and that I would be off the hook and free to roam.

But is was a very interesting spontaneous conversation this morning.

more

Another thing that fascinated with me about Superman is that I remember finding the original superman super cute- yeah I was 6!

It must be more then the baby face. It must be what the expression says about his heart and actions.

I remember a lot of people my age swooning over Aragon in Lord of the Rings. He was ok, but in many ways he was tragic- just plainly not thrilled with this route in life- but Superman he is my kind of hero!

The world is backwards

My cousin in Southern California reported 2 feet of snow at her house this weekend. We here in Minnesota report 60 degree high yesterday.

I feel sorry for the weathermen. Everything they learned in school about usual and normals and averages no longer seem to apply. However, there is more weather watching with weird things happening, so if they were any good at actually predicting the weather they will be needed.

Meanwhile, personally I have bridged a new gap and took empathy to a much higher level then I ever imagined possible. I have always had dreams to see snippets of my future. Now my dreams see snippets of other people's future (through their eyes and body). I have just noticed this happening this year. It is incredible when then you are there (the thing I dreamed is happening) and you know how they feel, what is going on and what you can do about it.